No Babies Club

To become an official member of the No Babies Club, you must solemnly swear. That's all there is to it! Join today!

There are many reasons to dislike babies! After you've read the list below, we're sure you'll want to join the No Babies Club today!

(Literally.)

Symptoms of pregnancy include:

• Nausea and vomiting
• Soreness/enlargement of the breasts
• Increased urination
• Fatigue
• Pytalism (excessive salivation)
• Stretch marks
• Spider veins
• Colostrum (secretion) from breasts
• Enlarged abdomen

In 2003, the U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill that states:

The gruesome and inhumane nature of the... birth... procedure... promotes a complete disregard for... human life that can only be countered by prohibition of the procedure.

Parasites like pinworms cause your body to lose nutrients. An unborn baby steals not only nutrients, but also 300 calories a day from you! After it is born, a breastfeeding baby leeches about 19 to 30 oz. (570 to 900 mL) of milk from you daily!

In "Mothering and Oxytocin or Hormonal Cocktails for Two," Sarah Blaffer Hrdy and C. Sue Carter explain how babies use hormones as a form of mind control to carry out their evil agenda:

When first presented with pups, a virgin female laboratory rat generally ignores them; she may appear afraid of the tiny, squirming, naked creatures and, occasionally, may even eat them. Only after being introduced to pups many times over several days can a virgin rat be conditioned to tolerate and care for them licking them, crouching protectively over them, retrieving them when they stray from her side. In contrast, a pregnant rat responds within minutes to pups, even prior to delivery of her own...

A muscle contractor, oxytocin (from the Greek for "swift birth") evolved in mammals and produces the uterine contractions of birth and milk ejection during lactation. Present when the mother first greets her emerging offspring, it continues to be released whenever she nurses. Oxytocin released into the brain is known to promote calming and positive social behaviors, such as pair bonding... Only if oxytocin is present at birth or injected so that it reaches the brain at the same time a mother meets her newborn, will she bond with her offspring.

The most a baby will contribute to a conversation is "mama" or "dada" or "baba" or maybe even "<throwing-up noise>." Not only are babies horrible at conversation, they also have the singular effect of making their conversation partners lousy conversationalists as well. This phenomenon, known as "baby talk," causes intelligent adults to utter things like: "Does widdle poopsie want her blanky? Hmm? Is widdle babykins sicky sick sick sick?"

In "A Modest Proposal (For Preventing The Children of Poor People in Ireland From Being a Burden to Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public)," distinguished author Jonathan Swift states the following:

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

We at thehumanitarian.org could not agree more.